Meetings for the sake of meetings

We had a mandatory meeting on Friday to have employee benefits explained. Materials were passed out and I didn't get an enrollment form. My supervisor informed not to worry about it, since I wasn't eligible for it anyway.

Oops, another lapse!

Sorry about that. Things have been hectic. I'll do my best to catch everybody up over the next couple of days. There is a TON of new material. Quick recap on what's going on right now:

• Shots were fired at a birthday party last night in the hotel.
• I got into it with one of the night auditors, the most miserable breed of human beings on earth (unrelated to the first incident).
• The supervisor of the drivers had to be called and awakened at 10:15AM to let him know he was late for his 10:00AM shift this morning (unrelated to anything other than standard procedure for this particular supervisor).

More to come...I promise!

Please don't feed the night auditor

Ms. Jabba the night auditor likes to nosh. This is an inventory of what she brought with her to eat during a recent 8 hour shift (I peeked in her bag when she left the office):

• Crackers
• 6 tacos from Taco Bell
• A whole cantaloupe
• A box of crackers (different ones)
• A ziploc bag of string cheese
• 2 bottles of water
• 2 Red Bulls
• Bag of pretzels
• Assorted individually wrapped pieces of candy

I've been to tailgate parties that didn't have that much food.

Ding-A-Ling

PERSON ON PHONE: Is this (same brand hotel, different location)?
ME: No sir, I'm sorry, it isn't.
PERSON ON PHONE: Do you have their number?
ME: Sure. It's XXX-XXXX
PERSON ON PHONE: No, that isn't it. That's the number information gave me and it's some auto dealer.
ME: I'm sorry, sir. That's the only number I have for them.
PERSON ON THE PHONE: Is there some way you can help me get the number?
ME: I can call information for you...
PERSON ON PHONE: I already tried that, five times. They have the same wrong number you do.
ME: I'm not sure what else I can do...
PERSON ON PHONE: Don't you have some kind of hotline?
ME: A hotel-to-hotel hotline?
(click)

I tried calling the number after he hung up and it was correct.

Party time!

This happened while I was away...

Once a month, we have a staff luncheon. It's always scheduled on a pay day so more people show up. We eat pizza, have birthday cake and listen to Fearless Leader give motivational sermons straight out of the Michael Scott bible. At our most recent one of these, Fearless was telling us how great things were and that we should expect an upturn in business soon, and that if we didn't, he'd fire the sales staff and bring in some people who could do a better job.
The sales people I was sitting with suddenly didn't look like they wanted to eat birthday cake any more.

Update on yesterday's madness

I asked my supervisor if she got in trouble for yesterday. She said, "No, why would I get in trouble?" I said, "um, the whole being-drunk-at-work thing maybe?" She said, "I knew I had screwed up so I tried to call in, expecting to be written up. But (her boss) told me not to worry about it and come on in."
Oh. Did not know that.
I'm guessing that decision was made because he didn't want to pay me overtime to come in and cover and he damn sure wasn't going to stay until 10PM to cover it himself.
So that's how that works.

A new low...or is it a high?

It's been a while since I posted. I'll catch up on the last three weeks soon but this has to be posted right now...

I'm off today. I got a call at 2:30 this afternoon from my supervisor asking me to come in and cover. Why? Because she is drunk. Wow. Okay. Not cool, but I can get some OT or at least a trade for a night off later this week. I get dressed and am in the car almost halfway there when I get another slurred, sloppy phone call. "Never mind, everything is fine". I head back home but it seems weird. I send a text message to the manager asking if I need to come in or not. At 3:31 he replies, "working on that now, will let you know in a few minutes". At 4:02, another text, this one saying "she wants to stay". Now either he doesn't know she's drunk because I wouldn't think he'd leave that up to her...or he doesn't care. Since it's painfully obvious to me after two short phone calls that she's wasted, I have to assume it's the latter.
All I can do is shake my head in utter disbelief...

Duh.

Phone Rings....

Me: "Guest Services, how can I help you?"

Idiot: "Yeah...like...can this phone be used to make actual phone calls?"

Me: "umm...seriously?"

There's always a solution

The hotel is hosting a dinner function tonight...

SHUTTLE DRIVER: Hey, are all those people in there gay?
ME: I have no idea. Who cares?
SHUTTLE DRIVER: I do. How are we going to find out?
ME: If they don't pair up and have sex in between the entree and the dessert, I guess we won't.

And so it goes...

The manager that caused this little debacle has been off since he went home at 12:15 on Saturday. He is scheduled to work tomorrow from 9 to 5. Meanwhile, the employee who was screwed over and would like an opportunity to address the situation is on the schedule every day from 2 to 10 since then, including today and tomorrow and then off for two days. This means their schedules overlap by a total of three whole hours in the week since this went down. Of course, that's before factoring in that this manager always leaves early so it's actually less than that. My guess is that they won't even cross paths.

Dirty laundry

An employee tried to call in today. His excuse? He didn't have clean clothes. All his laundry was dirty. I told him that we were too busy and he needed to come in. He showed up... 2 1/2 hours late.
Of course, around here there's always more to the story that makes it worse. Ready? This employee is a supervisor.

well that figures.

The vans are both out of oil so no one can drive them.

There are 8 million students waiting to take the van to school outside.

The manager that never works is off today, of course, because after not working for 4 days, he really needs another day off - lazy ass. Well, even if he was here he would leave at 3 and make up some excuse.

The fearless leader is nowhere to be found and probably isn't working either.

Chomps is chewing his gum so loud I can't hear myself think.

A new low

The shenanigans with our schedule has caused a major problem for everyone...except the person responsible for doing the schedule. The short version of this story is that he committed the night off to too many people and left a big gap smack in the middle of Saturday night. Now, I don't know about you, but when I make a mistake, I expect to take responsibility for it and resolve it. In this case, if it were me, I would have covered the Saturday night shift. I wouldn't have been happy about it, but hey, there's supposed to be a price paid for screwing up. What I wouldn't have done, is yank the rug out from one of the people I'd given the day off to, which caused them to have to call in and not work their other job, costing them both money and damage to their professional reputation in the process.
But wait, there's more...
The understandably angry employee requested a meeting with the manager who caused the problem to express their considerable (and justified, in my humble opinion) frustration and dissatisfaction with the situation. "No problem", he said. "We'll talk when you get here at 2:00". However, either he forgot or just didn't think it was that important because he went home for the day at 12:30 and presumably enjoyed a pleasant Saturday evening off.
Of course, if you're been reading this blog for any time at all, you already know that responsibility and accountability are not qualities held in high esteem around here.
It's certainly not a surprise to me but it still blows my mind.

Do you know what you're doing tomorrow? I don't.

Of all the many aggravating things about the way this place does things, the schedule might be the worst. We get a one week schedule that runs from Saturday through the following Friday, and it changes every single week. I'm writing this at 12:46PM on Friday afternoon and the schedule for next week isn't done yet. That means I might be scheduled to work tomorrow at 6:00AM, or at 2:00PM, or at 10:00PM or I might be off. It means I can't make any plans for my life taking place 17 hours from now. Isn't that spectacular?
I don't know if there's some kind of law about this but there should be. This is fundamentally unfair and simply not right. Meanwhile, if the geniuses in charge are wondering why morale is in the toilet, which translates to shitty service, they could start by looking at this situation.

I need his job.

It's really nice to work at a place where when there is a manager needed there are never any here....

oh darn.

Chomps, the resident maintenance jackass is now ignoring everyone at the front desk. His jackass ways got him into trouble with the higher ups last week. He is now acting like the equivalent of a 6th grader, which is about right except for a 6th grade wouldn't chew his gum like a cow.

Service with a sigh

SHUTTLE DRIVER: We got a problem. A tire on the van is going flat.
ME: Can you put some air in it?
SD: I don't know.
ME: You don't know? What, if the tire can take air or...?
SD: Yeah, probably.
ME: Well, could you do that then? So it doesn't go flat?
SD: I don't have any money for the air pump.
ME: Here's .75. Do you need more?
SD: ....(sigh) Fine.

Enjoy your trip around the world

(WOULD-BE) GUEST ON PHONE: We're trying to find you and we're lost. We're on 7th Avenue.
ME: Ok, just head west on 7th until...
(WB) GOP: We were going west but we didn't see anything so we turned around and went the other way.
ME: Well, we're west of where you are, so...
(WB) GOP: No, we tried that. We're going this way now.
(click)

tell me how you really feel

The night audit "little boy" just informed me someone drew a giant weiner on the wall of the 6th floor. I laughed.

B.S.

So there was a (possible) dangerous situation going down. I called the GM who was off property driving someone to the hospital. I filled him in, also letting him know if he could get back quickly (since I was the only person here). The man was sitting in the lobby waiting to speak to him.

It's been an hour and a half and he is still gone and I have seen him drive through and pick people up, not even bothering to call and tell me or come in and see if everythign is okay. I HATE this place.

dear clowns

dear soccer mom clowns.
if you hate on the city i live in one more time, i will poop in your bed. your city is not superior to mine (unless you are from Chicago or Toronto).....so just get in your mini-van and go back to the small town where you came from.

thanks.
the front desk

omg for real like totally for sure

6:15 AM

The phone rings (btw when the phone rings it grates at my brain)....

Me: "Thank you for calli-...."

Stupid Lady (interupts): "Excuse me, I need to check-in right now"

Me: "Well check-out isn't until 11am and your room won't be ready until closer to 3pm, when check-in is"

Stupid Lady: "uhhh I'm so tired! I can't believe you can't check me in early"

Hangs up on me.

a short conversation with an asshole

6 AM

AH (asshole): So where is the coffee?

Me: The restuarant will be open at 7, and they will be able to serve coffee.

AH: You're kidding. NO coffee! Ughh!

Me: No, not until 7am.

AH: So there is no where down here I can get any.

Me: NO, the kitchen opens at 7am.

AH: Well. That is ridiculous. *makes stupid noises*

(The AH paces around the lobby looking down the hallway and around like I was lying to him and the coffee is just around the corner)

AH: Well, is there anywhere I can get some.

Me: Yes, a few blocks away there is a ______ coffee shop, I can give you directions.

AH: Well how FAR is it! Like really far away?

Me: No, about five blocks.

AH: What is that supposed to mean??

Me: It's five blocks away. From the hotel.

(I then take out the map and count the blocks, because I know this will annoy him)

AH: No, like how long does it take to get there. Where Iiiiiiiiii come from the blocks are really big, and it takes longer. And I can't believe YOU don't serve coffee in the morning.

Me: About 10 minutes, at the most to walk.

The AH walks away and I throw up the bird behind his back. It's those kind of people that deserve nothing but miserableness in their life, which is why I don't feel bad he is staying in this dump and I hope someone farts in his coffee.

And how would that work exactly? Osmosis?

There's an activity taking place at the hotel today that began at 2:00PM. This conversation took place at 1:45PM.

"I can't believe how long this is taking. This line has not moved at all."
"Well, it doesn't start until 2:00PM, ma'am."
"I know, but you'd think the line would at least move."

skool is for dumbies!

I just had to read a letter to the illiterate bell captain. It was from another driver. He was putting his two weeks in.

Hilarious.

Because I have progressed from caring to being angry to not giving a flying frick about this place, I have now started to laugh. At everything. Because really, let's be honest, thiz place is a joke and anyone should be embarrassed we call this a hotel.

The fearless leader has lost his excited attitude and is walking about with a sour face. I just smile at him, he doesn't smile back. The elevators are broken, I start laughing. Someone asked why there is only one driver, I responded with "well why is there always only one front desk person all the time?" No answer.

The retarded owner walks around wtih no clue on what he is doing, I ask him a simple question and he responds with "uhh uhhh ummm I don't know."

Chomps McGee waddles around with his pen up his arse, doing nothing as usual. If he doesn't care, then neither do I.

M.I.A. Manager hasn't been spotted in 5 days, per usual. He is never here, I need his job. Show up for a few hours and do nothing and then make up an excuse on why he has to leave. That is a sweet gig if you ask me.

These people should be ashamed.

Hello...??

This crazy, annoying lady has been calling every 5 minutes to be transferred to a room. Every time she calls back she has to tell me her whole name, who she is calling for and then asks me why the person is not picking up the phone. I hate.

GOOOOOD MORNING.

1. There are not enough rooms AND there will not be enough rooms to fufill out check-ins tonight. The answer to the problem..oh there isn't one.

2. Two out of the three elevators are not working, and there are 162 check-ins.

3. The internet is down, again.

4. Everyone is about one more shift away from stabbing the M.I.A. Manager in the neck. If only he would ever show up to work, we could actually do it.

5. I have had 3.5 hours of sleep and I am really not in the mood. So please, no attitudes.

Thanks,
The Front Desk

Well, excuse me your heiness...

Guest: "I need to change my room, I demand a microwave"

Me: "No problem, I will change that for you"

Guest: "And I need to move my stuff, I have a lot of it"

Me: "Okay, we have some luggage c- "

Guest (sassy): "Oh no you didn't I am not touching my own luggage, I don't know who you people are but I have never stayed at a hotel where I have had to TOUCH my own luggage, you people need learn this. I need someone sent up immediatley to my room to do it for me"

Me: "Sure no problem"

Guest: "mmmm hmmmmm!"

I mean seriously people this isn't a five star hotel. And B-T-F-ing-W you have arms and legs for a frickin' reason now pick up your damn luggage and walk your ass to your new room.

Thanks,
The Front Desk

what?

There is a guest singing opera in the restaurant/bar area. It's 3 in the afternoon.

Yep, this is where I work.

Yep.

Something I didn't know: I must look like I frequent strip clubs often. With all my interactions with the trainwreck stripper from a few days ago to now, a guest asked me how a local strip club was.


I told him I wasn't too sure, I had not been to that one yet. Next time I am telling them I work there and its Grade A - Awesome!

...of course.

A stripper checks into the hotel & I get hot gay guys on Broadway.

Just go...leave...NOW.

"I've never heard of such a tax I am going to investigate this!!"
- A guest upon check out, staring at her bill.

go-go-gadget

....Figures Pt 2

The MIA Manager isn't coming in until later. I am left to fend for myself.



Again, awesome!

....Figures Pt 2

The isn't coming in until later. I am left to fend for myself.

Again, awesome!

Figures.

Why should anyone of management material be here. It's only 9:30.
And of course the person coming in to relieve me has a habit of just not showing up.

Awesome.

stop annoying me

There is always one disgruntled family member in a bunch.

This one is an older lady with squinty eyes and glasses, who wears a pink cardigan sweater. She comes and checks her airport shuttle time every day. Like I changed it or something.

Then, she requests the shuttle to take her family somewhere downtown and gets mad at me when it's not here. Like this morning, she comes up to the desk at 7:55AM and tells me her family needs the shuttle in 15 minutes. I said "okay, no problem."

Meanwhile, someone else comes up and takes the shuttle now to go a few blocks away.

Old squinty eyes comes running up to the desk. "He just left!! The driver just left!!!"
I told her that I knew that and he would be right back.
She obviously didn't believe me..."Well, where did he go! He forgot us!!!"
I told her again, he would be right back, and he would be here in his time to take her.
"Well. I can't wait all day"

That pink cardigan is getting ran under my car today.

Two cases where I provided service for people that will not generate revenue for the hotel

CASE 1:

"Good evening and thanks for calling the YYYYY Hotel."
"Hi, is this the XXXXX Hotel?"
"No sir, this is the YYYYY Hotel."
"Oh. Can you give me their number so I can make a reservation?"

CASE 2:
"Hi, this is Mr. Disgusto*. Can you give me the number for Domino's?"

* Mr. Disgusto works for the cruise lines. His job is to deliver crew members from the airport to the hotel and then pick them up and take them to the cruise port the next day. He looks and dresses like a less hunky Andy Sipowicz and smells like a bag of wet laundry that smokes three packs a day. He doesn't stay at the hotel. He just wanted to order some pizza and didn't feel like looking up the number himself.

Employee of THIS month. Only.

As I mentioned way back in the very first blog post, I was recognized recently as Employee Of The Month. I was talking to some co-workers about my chances of winning it again and a supervisor overheard me. This is the conversation that followed:

"You can't win it more than once in a year."
"What? Why not?"
"It wouldn't be fair. Everybody deserves a chance to win it."
"Everybody DOES have a chance to win it. If they do a good enough job."
"Well, how would it be fair if the same person won it all the time?"
"If the same person wins the award for best employee every month, there are bigger problems than fairness, don't you think?"
"The purpose of the award is to motivate people to do a good job. If they don't think they have a chance to win it, there's no incentive to do a good job."
"Okay, what about my motivation? I can't win it again. What's my incentive to go out and do a good job now?"
"You already won it."
"I know. But I can't win it again."
"You can win it again starting in January."
"What if this is how they did it in pro sports? If the Bucs won the Superbowl this year and were automatically ineligible to win it again for 12 years, why would they even bother showing up the next season, other than to do the bare minimum required just to collect a paycheck?"
"That's a poor analogy."
"How so?"
"Because the Bucs aren't going to win the Superbowl this year."

Oh.

Gross.

12:54PM
The little kid in the lobby asked me to throw something away for her. I stuck my hand out to take garbage (I presumed)....she stuck her chewed up gum in my hand.

She then asked me to call her mom's room and then she told her brother she was going to kick his ass. (She is probably 7 years old).

OH my.

11:45AM
The retarded nice people from a room came down all in a tizzy this morning. They complained that they bought food last night at the grocery store, put it in the refridgerator in their room and now the food is all spoiled because the fridge isn't working. All I have to say is, didn't they realize that it wasn't working when they opened the fridge in the first place? I'm just sayin'.

12:15PM
The Fearless Leader sends the only driver today to get the tires on the van changed, now there are three groups of people waiting to go somewhere....with no driver. SO the Fearless Leader is now driving the van.

12:27PM
The stripper needs her nails done. I sent her far away so she will leave me alone and quit asking me about strip clubs. Do I really look like someone who knows about strip clubs? I also didn't need to know about her night and how no one will hire her to dance at night. PS the Fearless Leader had to driver her. Hilarioooooous.

..update

10:15AM
A little kid is walking circles around a pillar in the lobby.

10:15AM
That fat clown that keeps calling for the GM needs to listen when I say HE'S NOT HERE TODAY.

10:25AM
The driver is asleep. Again.

Praise the Lord?

9:31AM

Just witnessed the airport shuttle driver & a guest pray, bless each other and then trade e-mails.

awesome.

Good Morning!

It's 8:30 AM and so far....

6:00AM
Jabba had a Xanex driven rampage of the strippers antics last night. Hilarious.

6:15AM
The resident stripperella made an appearance. Not so nice in the daylight sans makeup and stripper shoes. And not the brightest crayon in the box.

7:15AM
I drank the last of my vanilla milk :(

8:15AM
The maintanence crew schooled me on the hard-knocks that live in the Bronx. They are thugs. And btw, don't go on the East Side of the Bronx unless you want to ensure you will never see the light of day again. Direct Quote: "Yous go to the East Side, yous never gonna live"

8:30AM
Watched a not-so-nice guest pop her son on the back of the head. Five minutes later she realized she had lost her car keys. K-a-r-m-a!

FETISHCON!!

Tampa's annual fetish convention is this weekend. Yay! That means guests walking around the hotel in kinky outfits, employees walking around giggling like 12-year-olds and our general manager walking around asking "is there a convention going on or something?"

Really.

A guest just came in to tell me that 3 teenage boys jumped the gate to the pool and threw all of the towels in the water, tipped over all the pool chairs into the water and then ran out.
I called our resident Jamaican maintenance man to let him know (because security doesn't come in until 1Opm).

His response.

"I don't care, it's not my job."


AWESOME!

Fashion Police

So the owner, let's call him the Captain of the Shit I mean Ship, has a floozy I mean nice girlfriend (her nickname is Paris Hilton). Now the Captain of the Ship has his own issues, but his girlfriend has FASHION problems.

Sometimes she forgets to wear a bra, she tends to wear pastels even though her skin is see through white and her shoes are usually from the 1990's.

Tonight she comes in with Captain and is wearing what I would like to think is a tight piece of white and pale yelllow spandex with granny panties. So she has a nice muffin top and appears to be pregnant. Even the drivers had to look away. To top it off she is wearing cork slides that made my eyes bleed.

I think it's my new goal to run into the Girlfriend at the mall and find her some decent outfits.

Dahhh....

A proven fact that advertising on TV doesn't work.

People call the hotel and are REALLY confused about how Priceline, Hotwire, Orbitz, Hotels.com...etc works. They are seriously confused...like trying to solve the cure to cancer or something.

If I'm not mistaken, William Shatner CLEARLY explains how it works. AND it explains it on each of the websites. So if you can go online and figure out how to find a certain hotel in a certain city, you should be able to read the print about HOW they get rooms. Dumbass.

P.S. I don't care what you are coming down here for and that you might stay 2 nights instead of one.

Quick thinkin'!

The ceiling leak the guys are working on this morning apparently popped up last night. The overnight crew protected the computer server hub by covering it in towels. Because there's nothing better suited to repel water than a towel.

That's what she said

Maintenance guys are working on a ceiling leak in the back office...

• "Do you see a wet spot?"
• "Follow the fat one."
• "Pull it. Pull it."
• "Wait. You gotta get in from behind first"
• "It's going to go all over the place if you aren't careful."
• "Why don't you start on top and work your way down?"
• "Oh, you had it! Put it back in, put it back in!"

About that resume...

According to the resume of that charming applicant, while they were employed as a housekeeper with the Hilton corporation, they "demonstrated skillfull communication and negotiation skills". I'm trying to picture a scenario where a housekeeper would need to skillfully use negotiation skills...

• "All right, I'll make ONE of your beds, do the toilet seat, but not the bowl and take out the garbage in exchange for giving you three extra sets of towels and a bottle of shampoo. What do you say?"

or...

• "Terrorists have seized the Hilton and are threatening to kill hostages! Get me a housekeeper!"

I just can't see why you don't have a job already

"Hi. Are you hiring? Let me guess: No."
"Actually, we are taking applications..."
"Great. Look, would you mind filling this out, saying I applied for a job? I have to. I'm on probation. It's not what you think though."
"Well, would you like to actually fill out an application? Since you're here?"
"Can I just give you my resume? Then they can just call me...yeah, right...if they want to talk to me about a job. Ha!"

Welcome to the team. You're going to fit right in.

Margaret, the new desk clerk, someone with over 30 years of experience, worked last night. The restaurant manager called her and said she needed some info that Dave (another restaurant employee) was supposed to give her.
"Dave's not here"
"I know Dave's not there. That's why I am calling you. Can I have that info please?"
"Dave went home about two hours ago"
"Can you just look this up please?"
"This is the security guard. Can I help you?"
"What happened to Margaret?"
"She's new. I don't think she can help you."
"Well I need to talk to her. Can you put her back on please?"
"I think she went to the bathroom."
"..."
"Yeah, she left."

CrAzY tAlKiNg!

Lady: "Are you in Florida?"

Me: "Yes, Tampa is in Florida"

Lady, sounding surprised: "ohh!! hmm..."

Lady: "So you really charge YOUR hotel guests to park? I have never heard of that, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!"

Me: "Well most hotels downtown in major cities charge to park, sometimes up to $30 a night"

Lady: "That is crazy talk. I will call you back"

Hi welcome....

Me: "What is your last name?"

Them: "uhhh........"

Please know your last name before stepping up.

Thanks,
The Front Desk

Thanks for looking out for me

Our fearless leader GM (henceforth known as "Fearless") just walked by and said, "I have to go to Clearwater, Home Depot and hopefully I'll find time to grab some lunch. Be back in three hours." Clearwater is 45 minutes away and there is a Home Depot there. Meanwhile, I haven't gotten to take my 30 minute break for the last two days. I may pee in one of the potted plants in the lobby.
In unrelated news, our maintenance manager is sitting in the office, spinning around in a swivel chair and staring at the ceiling.

Thanks, guys.

Philisophical question

If a manager leaves early every day, at what point do you stop considering it "early" and just consider it "leaving"?

50/50

Twelve floors of rooms. Six floors with functional ice machines.

Yep...

ALL of the elevators in the hotel are broken. ALL of them. And ONE customer likes to remind me every 5 seconds that they aren't working. AND every time I let him know that maintenance is fixing it, he just walks away and then comes right back to tell me.

I hope when the elevator starts working again, that he gets stuck on it, and then it blows through the roof and to the Bermuda Triangle.

Asshole A, meet Asshole B. Talk amongst yourselves

ASSHOLE A: "I can't believe you can't guarantee me a check-in before 3PM! This is ridiculous." (Note: It's 9AM when this comment is made, two hours before guests are expected to check out from the night before)

ASSHOLE B: "Hi, I'm just calling down to let you know I'll be checking out in about a half hour or so." (Note: It's 12:10PM when this comment is made, over an hour after when guests are expected to check out from the night before)

The person who said there's no such thing as a dumb question never worked in a hotel

"I was just calling to see what time check-out is."
"Check-out is at 11, sir."
"O'clock?"

take that!

Look butthole. I told you the shuttle is leaving at 7:10. So when you come down at 7:20, don't yell at me because it already left without you. The world does not revolve around your jerry-curl bow tie wearing ass.

Someone please get me Al Roker on the phone.

Scene: A typical Florida storm including heavy rains, lightning & thunder.
Phone Rings...it's a guest.

Guest: "umm yeah my cable is not working"

Me: "Well sir, due to the weather we are having the cable is out, but it should be back shortly"

Guest: "So why isn't my cable working and when will it come back on"

Me: "Since our cable runs on satillite, due to the weather we are having, it is out therefore will return as soon as this storm lets up"

Guest: "Oh. When will that be"

Of course you are leaving!

The manager walked up front to tell me how busy it is (no shit) and then to tell me he is leaving early.

Typical.

umm. ehh...uhh..

When you call and have questions, please don't put ME on hold, please call when you are in a quiet area and there are no screaming childen in the background, turn off your car radio, roll up your windows, refrain from saying "umm, ehh or uhh" every five seconds, take notes during the conversation instead of having me repeat what I just said 800 times, don't talk to everyone else in your family while we are speaking and those long pauses while you are 'thinking' about it...yeah, those suck too.

Thanks
The Front Desk

sorry!

Yep....another full weekend and NO ROOMS ARE READY.

look here bitch

So this lady comes in. She won't even look me in the eye and says "Oh, you aren't...(and then lists all the sales people in the building..." So I answer, "No, let me call them, do you have an appointment?"

She responds with "umm. No call them now. And it's for sales, I want to buy something, so call them, right now."

Ohhhhhhhhhkay, look here bitch, I don't know where you are from. But you really shouldn't be walking around talking to people like you are Queen Diva or Whitney Houston or something.

P.S. I said "your welcome" really loud when she turned around and wandered away.\

When a sales person came out she wouldn't give them the time of day either, she just sat on her fat ass barking questions and playing with her hair.

Once again...

This is the part of the show where Ms. Jabba talks about all her problems like she's the only person in the whole world who has any. Also known as "all night long".
Coming soon: The part of the show where I hit Ms. Jabba in the head repeatedly with a shovel.

Everybody is out to get Ms. Jabba

Ms. Jabba the night auditor has a serious case of believing she is the only person who ever does any work around here. Every workplace has somebody like that. Hell, I'm kind of like that sometimes (partly why I started this blog). But she is worse about it than any person I've ever worked with. She's constantly calling me away from the desk to show me something that somebody else has done wrong, even if it isn't me and even if I don't know anything about it or am in a position to fix it, and moan about how it's going to make her life so much more difficult. On a good night, I'll humor her by nodding sympathetically and saying "yeah, that sucks."
Tonight was not a good night...
"Come here. I want to show you something."
(rolling eyes and sighing inaudibly) "Yes?"
(Holding up a roll of coins) "There's a penny in this roll of nickels!"
"Okay...so we're either one cent over or four cents short..."
"We're four cents short! I counted it twice. It's not an extra penny. They put a penny in here instead of a nickel"
(Feeling in my pocket for loose change) "All right, I think..."
"How could this happen? Where did these nickels come from?"
"Well Ms. Jabba, some people will try to tell you the coin stork brings them but I don't believe them. Personally, I'm pretty sure it has something to do with sex."
"..."

Face to face with actual crazy

By now you understand that weird stuff happens here constantly, but I think this is the first time I've actually dealt with someone who's actually out of their mind...
The bathtub lady from the previous entry came back and informed me that the maintenance man had been in her room to fix the bathtub while she was away and had urinated in her toilet and not flushed it. She told me she could tell it was male urine (except she didn't use the word "urine") because she had lived with her dad and four brothers plus she had two cats. That's right, the person who couldn't figure out how to operate a bathtub is an expert at determining the gender of a person by the smell of their urine.
She also said she did not want the situation addressed until after she checked out because she was afraid that if the maintenance man got in trouble, he would retaliate against her by sneaking into her room and defecating (except she didn't use the word "defecating") in her ice bucket.
The thing is, he didn't go up there. He didn't need to since the security guard did. That happened before she left and he doesn't have keys to the rooms. Nobody was in her room between the time she left and the time she returned.

Perfect shitstorm

The following is all true and all happened at the same time (well, within one 10 minute period):

• A guest who couldn't figure out how to lift the drain stopper in her bathtub(!) partially flooded her room and had to be moved. Don't ask me why she didn't turn off the water before the tub overflowed because I don't have an answer.
• The maintenance man on duty went to her room and set up a blower to try to dry the carpet. A loud blower that kept him from being able to hear his radio.
• Another guest who had ordered dinner from our fantastic restaurant called to report her ginger ale "doesn't have the flavor in it". I attempted to transfer her to the restaurant but nobody picked up the phone for some reason.
• I walked down and found the one person working in the restaurant and asked him to call the guest in her room.
• I came back to a ringing phone. It was the bathtub lady who was having the same problem in her new room. I asked her to shut off the water and asked the security guard to go up and see if he could help her.
• The guy at the restaurant came to the desk and asked, "what room was the ginger ale lady in again?"
• The bathtub lady came downstairs and wanted a ride downtown so the shuttle driver took her. The security guard didn't come down with her.
• The guy at the restaurant brought a fresh ginger ale to the front desk and said he was too busy to take it to the guest's room. Leaving me with a drink to deliver and without a bell man, a maintenance man or a security guard.

I like my chowder seasoned with bitter tears

ARRIVING GUEST: As a Red Sox fan, I nevah get to see them play at home...the games are always sold out. So I come all the way down heah to watch them beat the crap out of your team. Ha ha ha!


Ha ha ha indeed, asshole. Here's hoping you find a pubic hair on your soap (if we had lost, I'd have gone into your room and put it there myself).

Splitting hairs 101

We're short-handed right now (because obviously, with the economy in the shape it's in, how can they possibly be expected to find anyone looking for work?) so I'm working two 8 hour shifts within one 24 hour period. The first one is winding down now and I was told a manager would come in to relieve me "between 6AM and 7AM". I have a feeling that I'm going to be reminded, in word and deed, that 6:59AM is between 6AM and 7AM.

Mood music

The delightful Ms. Jabba, our night auditor, is rocking out to Jim Croce's "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown". Kind of fitting ("...badder than old King Kong, meaner than a junkyard dog...").

Sometimes there is no comeback

GUEST (coming in from outdoors): Hi.
ME: Good evening, sir. How are you?
GUEST (continuing past, to the elevator): Terrible. Fucking terrible.
ME: Um...okay.

...and one more time!

The lovely man called me back about the position and let me know that he did not get it. After that conversation he began to ask me why he did not get hired, who got hired and why didn't he get an interview.

Next time he calls I am hanging up on him.

Why!

Why are all the hot guys that check-in to our hotel gay?

Sweet lord.

So this man applied for a job in housekeeping on Friday.
He also took a business card and asked for the name of the person in charge of hiring for this particular position.

So far today, he has called SIX times...and each time asks for the person in charge of hiring for this position...then right after he proceeds to call the front desk to tell me he left them a voicemail and asks me when the man will be able to listen to his voicemail. Then he tells me that "times are hard so you have to be persistent." He also asked me to personally recommend him for the job because he really wants it and thinks he is proving this by how many times he calls a day.

No sir, you are not proving anything except that you are a ridiculous, annoying person and that you know how to use the phone.

He also wants to come down and fill out an application every day and wait in our lobby until he sees the person in charge of hiring. And he wants to meet me becuase he feels I am his in to the company.

I love my job.

Chomp-chomp.

Dear Chief,
While gum is very nice to chew and blow bubbles with, it's not so fun when you are standing right behind me chewing it like cow curd. Also, when I am on the phone, please don't stand directly behind me and tell me things to do. I'm not listening to you ramble.
Thanks,
The Front Desk

Yeaaaaaah mon.

Our resident Jamaican maintenance man always has something awesome to say.....

"Yo mon, put duct tape on that it will fix all ya problems"

"I'mma gonna stick it to tha man"

Hope it's not their honeymoon

"Hi. I need new room keys because my idiot husband de-magnetized these."
"I didn't de-magnetize them."
"Didn't they tell you earlier that if you keep them near a cell phone they could de-magnetize?"
"Yeah..."
"And you kept them in your cell phone holster. With your cell phone."
"You know I don't carry a wallet. Where was I supposed to keep them?"
"..."
"So I didn't de-magnetize them, the cell phone did."
"Like I said, you're an idiot."

To the waitress standing outside of our office door

Saying "knock, knock, knock" over and over and over again until I can get free from the guest that you can clearly see me waiting on and let you in is a great way to guarantee that as soon as that door opens, the first (and last) thing you see is my fist.

Month end

The night auditor, Ms. Jabba, has her game face on because tonight is the month end close-out. That's like the Super Bowl of night auditing...only more important. Ms. Jabba is not a particularly sunshiney person under normal conditions so tonight is REALLY going to be a treat. As of right now, we're 16 minutes into the shift and here's what I've heard so far:

• "I need a copier that works, I need a printer and I need peace and quiet. I got nothing."
• (Upon receipt of her paycheck envelope) "It looks like somebody has opened and re-sealed this. Again."
• "I'm gonna kill somebody."
• "If I find any mistakes, I'm calling people at home."
• "Does anybody...ANYBODY...realize that this is month end?!?"

I have a feeling that by 7:00AM, everybody...EVERYBODY...will know it.

Maybe....

Dear Crazy,
Maybe the reason the elevator got stuck was because you and 12 of your stupid fat friends tried to ride it all at the same time.
Regards,
The Front Desk

P.S. telling me the same story about it 8 times isn't going to make me feel sorry for you.

umm....what????

So, more often than not the hotel is empty. Empty as in maybe ten...twenty rooms a night. It's quiet, you can hear the crickets chirping and sometimes tumbleweeds fly through the lobby. Well...tonight was a different story. I arrived for my night shift (2pm - 10pm) and checked the computer to see what type of evening I should expect. There were 56 check-ins (which at this fine establishment, is considered a lot). I then went on to try and block rooms (which means to assign each reservation to an empty, inspected, ready to go).

Houston, we have a problem.

No rooms. Not a single, clean room.

(Side note, the hotel has been sitting basically empty for 3 days, which in my opinion, is MORE than enough time to clean and have rooms ready for a busy weekend.)

After consulting management on the situation, all hell proceeded to break loose. Maintenance, management and housekeeping all went into a tizzy yelling at each other. The entire hotel went bezerk trying to flip over and clean rooms.

Meanwhile, I stayed at the front and attempted not to cut my wrist with the cheap, hotel razors.

Two hours later, there are still not enough clean rooms to put guests in and the only suggestion given to me (before everyone went home for the day) was to ask if people didn't mind staying in a room with just a king bed....and telling any walk-ins that we can only get them into rooms with one bed.


FML.

Well, that didn't take long

Condom Guy just came downstairs, needing another ride somewhere. Unfortunately, the shuttle driver is off duty at 11. I should have taken him myself; I could go for some Skittles and a Sierra Mist right about now.

Par for the course

All you need to know about how this place is run is the fact that a manager is calling me here at 11:48PM to find out what time he's supposed to be at work in the morning.

Somebody has one classy boyfriend

Our shuttle driver took a guest who desperately wanted condoms to the local Walgreens. The guest showed his gratitude by tipping the driver with a package of Jack Link's Beef Jerky, a bag of chocolate covered raisins and a Coke.

I'm flattered...

...that you think I would know the name of the bar you went to when you were here last year, somewhere by the bus station, that serves food, but how exactly did you expect me to have that information? Just wondering.

What dimension are you from?

I just spent the last 15 minutes trying...and failing...to get a guest to understand that there's no point in trying to set three wake-up calls for 5:00AM because the phone can only ring one time at 5:00AM. We could set one each for 4:59AM, 5:00AM and 5:01AM if he wanted but it's only 5:00AM once daily.
"But...I don't understand...you have 60 seconds."
"So...you want to be called every 20 seconds between 5:00 and 5:01?"
"Yes, but more frequently than that. Like every 5 seconds?"
"Well, that's pretty much what will happen if we go with the one wake-up call and you just let it ring."
"I guess that will have to do"

Yeah, I guess so.

You say good bye, I say hello

I took a phone call from someone asking to speak to a salesperson who was fired by the hotel two months ago. Immediately after informing the caller that they were no longer with the company, that salesperson walked into the lobby, having been re-hired and back on the job since 9:00AM yesterday.

Upper Management Thoughts of the Day

"There are lots of people in this city...whites, blacks, asians, spaniards, French people and non-French people."

Sweet. I love my job.

Please....

Please quit calling to "confirm" your reservation. For one thing, that confirmation number that you got when you first made the reservation...that is your CONFIRMATION number. That means you have reservations. You don't need to call 5 times a day to make sure it's still there. It is really hard to believe sometimes that people are really that stupid that they must constantly call and ask to confirm these things eight times.

Also, quit asking me the same question over and over. When I said the shuttle driver would be back in 10 minutes, I wasn't kidding. So quit asking me where he is, when is he coming back, how much longer, what does he look like, what does the van look like, are you sure he is coming back, now how long exactly until he gets here....I mean, really people. Take a breath and wait.

Good morning...and good luck

So I arrive for my 6AM shift to be greeted by Pablo, one of the night audit workers. (Sidenote: Pablo has a monotone voice and his life seems to be void of excitement).

Pablo informs me that the hotel has no change what-so-ever, and that we owe people money back. Since conveniently, all of the people who have access to make change are absent, I am stuck here with basically nothing. I ask Pablo what he suggests I do if we can not make change when these people come downstairs. He says (with a shrug), "I don't know, just use smaller bills out of your own wallet."

PERFECT! Today is going to be AWESOME.

There is a phone in your room, you know

Of course the guy who doesn't speak english and whose breath smells like he just had a double order of ass nachos needed to use the phone at the front desk instead of his room. Of course.

Ever use a computer before?

A customer using our complimentary computers couldn't get a 10 page document to print so he hit the "print" button 20 times. Guess what happened when I refilled the empty paper tray?

Shuttle drivers say the darndest things

One of our shuttle drivers, Tyrone just asked my co-worker, "Do you want to do something nasty with me? Let's go out to my car, get in the backseat and eat boogers."

In the beginning

The origin of this blog

I’m relatively new to the hospitality industry. I took a job with a hotel because I just want to do my job, get paid for it and go home every day without any baggage. I think that classifies me as what is known as a slacker. I used to have a job where I was heavily invested on a personal level and it just ate me up and burned me out. I now work at a hotel where many people share the same level of commitment...or lack thereof...to their profession and that’s okay with me. At least it was.

The incident with room service...

About a week ago, a guest was staying here who wanted to order some food via room service. She went through the menu and was informed that about half of what she wanted was not available. She finally placed an order and waited for the food to arrive. About 45 minutes later, the food hadn’t arrived so she called down to the restaurant and was told her they weren’t offering room service. She came down to get the food, which of course was cold, and found that some of the items she had ordered were also not available. She was, of course, upset so they offered to make her a free Crème Brulee. Now, I’m not a Crème Brulee kind of person, so if you tell me it’s not made right if the sugar on top isn’t caramelized, I’ll believe you, apologize and attempt to correct the situation. However, when she pointed this out to the people who work in our restaurant, their response to her was “well, it’s free”.
This was the story as she related it to me. I apologized profusely and expressed surprise and, frankly, embarrassment. She told me this situation had tied her up for over an hour, that she now had no intention of continuing to try to deal with our restaurant and that now she’d have to get dressed and go out to get something to eat and that she felt the hotel should reimburse her for her trouble. I told her I understood completely, couldn’t possibly agree more and said, “yes, by all means, go have dinner, bring the bill back to me and we will compensate you for your trouble”. To my surprise, the way I dealt with the situation was not met with approval by my co-workers and some superiors:

• “You shouldn’t give her money back if she didn’t spend it at the hotel.” She tried to spend it at the hotel! Three times! That’s the point!
• “I would have let a manager handle it.” The manager wasn’t there and wasn’t due in until the next morning.
• “She’s a bitch.” Okay, well, great. How do you even argue that logic? For what it’s worth, I’d have been a bitch too.
  

One week later...

I show up to work my shift and within the first two minutes the phone rings. “Just what is the deal on room service in this hotel anyway?” It was the same lady. She was back! And in spite of talking to a manager when she checked in, who assured her that room service was definitely available, she was having the exact same problem again. You know how in monster movies when you think the monster is dead and it’s a happy ending, when suddenly the monster reaches out and grabs somebody’s ankle? This lady grabbed my ankle.
That’s when I got pissed. I apologized…again…and told her I would take her order, get it placed and deliver it to her room myself, which I did. It was right after that I decided to start chronicling stupid shit like this in a blog.

Don’t get me wrong...

It’s not like stupid shit like this hasn’t happened before. It happens all the time. I guess I was just at a tipping point. And since apparently nothing is going to be done to fix these kinds of problems, I figure I might as well share them for entertainment purposes. Also, make no mistake: I’m not presenting myself as some kind of exemplary employee with a deep commitment to customer service. I’m still a slacker who is unmotivated by and disinterested in things that don’t amuse me. It’s just that very little in life is more amusing than peeing on the legs of The Establishment. In this case, The Establishment consists of lazy incompetents, so there you go. My goal is to be nothing more than an irritatingly dedicated loose cannon. I want to be the Hawkeye Pierce (or, more current references, Perry Cox of even Gregory House) of customer service.

Further…

I don’t hold a lot of our customers in high regard either, many of whom should be under constant adult supervision and not be allowed to operate anything as complex as a pair of shoes. These are people who should never, ever be allowed to go outdoors, let alone attempt something as mentally challenging as staying in a hotel. And that doesn't even take into account the rude people. Don't worry, they’ll be getting their share of attention on this blog too. The customer is always right my ass.

More will be revealed over time but this is enough to get us started.